I am failing miserably this year trying to get through the holidays.My work load has increased so dramatically and my schedule is screwed because of having to work saturdays all month.So getting enough rest is impossible.
How many of you feel pressure from the people in your life to "be happy,its the holidays".It is so difficult when people expect.
Since I started retail (absurd,for this non-consumer)I have become more and more depressed .Im really walking a fine line the last few days .Trying so hard to find my gratitude and find a way to stand the ridiculously huge way we celebrate.
I would love to return to the long ago Christmases,when people celebrated for a day not a whole 2
months.My grandma used to tell of holidays that were easy and simple and most of it was based in the gathering of loved ones and having wonderful food.And when she was married (to a grandpa I never met as he died when I was a year old) they did what they could and that was enough.I miss her so much and shes been gone for 22 years.
But right now I need my dad so much.He died 18 years ago and is probably the only person that could understand this twisted up sad ,awful crap Im feeling.He was a very simple person and I followed right  in his footsteps appreciating the  things in life that come without fanfare.Sitting still on a day off(while my mother fumed not realizing what demanding physical labor even means)enjoying food,resting.And if my mother is reading this,she will no doubt think "what about his drinking?"Drinking is a giant problem in my family and I will write many blogs about it later, Myself and several family members have struggled and my brother died of it even though it was a suicide it stemmed from the alcoholism and what I believe was manic depression.I have been getting sober for 24 years.I wasnt the classic crazy drunk people cant stand (I have several in my life right now)I simply could not sleep anymore,saw a therapist and realized the alcohol had turned on me and started to agitate instead of medicate.I am chronic which is way easier because now if I were to drink I would be sick immediately.People need to educate themselves alcohol is by far the worst thing you can do to your body besides smoking.Im not talking about a drink or two.But lets be honest most people have way more than that and much more often than they would ever admit.Geez if we had not made pot such a bad thing we would of been way better off relaxing,laughing and going to bed.Legalize please.By the way pot smoke is not even close to having the carcinogens off cigarettes.Educate yourself folks.

Today is the town Christmas parade.People will come here for food after.I have grown so tired of it over the years,and Im completely not into another gathering (geez,we just saw them all a week ago thanksgiving .)
I am up very early and will cook later.Want some t.v. and super soul sunday to help rise this broken spirit of a man these days.But I wont give up,I will try to remain in a calm place and be grateful.I love them all and love tradition,its just been a super rough year.My poor wife has to suffer my rage at all things silly and its not fair and I work on trying to shut up and listen before I open my mouth and say something so awful nobody could compete with it..In my family we learned good how to eat someone alive w/words.It still goes on and I find myself more disgusted all the time.But seeing that will drive me to practice what I know Im here for, and that is to care for others,love is the only way out.