Trust Your Self

I have always had good instincts and a certain penchant for being able to see people and know their internal commotion.Perhaps from experience but mostly inherited from my grandma on my fathers side.
I need to write a blog about her one day.She was by far the most complete as you can get person I ever knew,and I learned what honest love was from her.
My family stumbled on all sorts of levels to the point where I disconnected to a degree and felt I was part of a show for the outside ,but inside that house was a lie.It was so obvious my parents couldnt stand each other for years.I believe my father wanted different but didnt know what to do.My mother was far too potent and down right cruel to him and so yes he drank and made big messes too.They all have their thoughts on it ,but after many years I realize it wasnt ever a family to me,we clung on to bits and pieces of  nice times but it really was ridiculous.
What am I getting at?
It has occured to me a lot lately that the big mistakes and mess Ive made of my life were when I didnt trust myself to make decisions that were right for "me".At our place it was do what looks right and look like you enjoy it or youll be called out for being a drag.
I have always done as I wanted workwise and long ago music came first.
It is my home life that I struggle with.Not with my wife ,or home ,I love them to a degree that one cant use words for.But as I have grown older I notice how much emphasis on doing the right thing all the time by everybody is not something one can do.In the end I have made emotional messes of things that are not emotional at all for other people.
Im an absolute homebody,I dont crave going out or traveling or socializing most of the time.I love to entertain some times but not much else.This is a mystery to all that know me except for my freind Marty who matches me in this regard.
I have been in so many tangles about "me" not wanting to do something.When you say no people act like its personal .I always think of Barbara Stanwyck saying she was a homebody and didnt understand all the hubub when she declined gatherings adding that all she meant was that she didnt want to.Dont we all own that right without opposition from others?
My defense has always been "why do you want me somewhere I wont enjoy myself"And I will be the first to let any person that doesnt wish to do what the rest are doing to trust themselves....they know what they want or dont want and they are allowed.
This has been a huge part of my sad lately,along with the poverty ,and grief and the desicration of all the property around my house.....dont get me started.
After all this what we need to do is please ourselves if we are going to please others in a whole and complete way.
Selfishness doesnt have a heart,but I do and and if I dont love me ,nobody will.

Rough Times........

We all have them.
We fight our way the best we can and then sometimes we burnout and have to take rest ,food, and contemplate why a life can get so sad and overwhelming.
When I left you all in Sept.I certainly didnt plan on it.......a slow depression was taking over and it is just beginning to leave.
We have been in grief for 9 months now over my father in law.My wife was raised by people who adored each other and her sadness at her mothers loss far outshines her own.I have to try to get her to let go and keep letting it wash over her......it is endless but it becomes more poingant the longer they are gone.I miss my father so much these days and its been 20 years!
The job I was happy about has become a very rough go physically and emotionally.......not what my first blog about it implied.
It seems I am the person to come to for all stress related problems as the company I work for is loaded with upper management that truly dont know state laws,facts,or the incredible amount of work it takes to start a nursing floor.....the modified diets alone are a huge challenge.....and guess who knows all about it?
I am awaiting a 2 to 3 dollar raise (and a title,means nothing to me)if they cant do it Im on the looking for work side again........I cant keep up this saving people thing much longer without compensation so we will see......ya never know.
On top of this is my mother who was sicker than she has ever been for the last 9 months has gotten well again.I really thought she was dying for sure and spent too many nights worried sick ,hands sweating etc.
My sister came and relieved me for a time and it was most helpful to just have her near me.Those of us who take on caregiving have some very lonely moments and she brought me love and support I so needed.
Then there is my wife who even though she is in total greif still makes time to support me and puts up with a very crabby ,mouthy husband(i have trouble shutting up on a rant!!(embarassing).
We are also being totally built upon in what used to a wooded glen and is now big ass ridiculous homes.I am so against power couples buying  and using precious resources so they can live like a star.
We wont get into that today.....everyone wants fame these days 40% of children when asked ....want to be stars.That creeps me out so much.
I am going to try to get here soon again..........I have so little energy left from hard work and then the depression has kept me away too.
But I see this as a coping tool as much as creation and will try much harder.
Till then....love people,care for them,tell them what you see in them and remember that no matter how much you have monetarily it pales in comparison to people you love and are loved back by in life.