Trust Your Self

I have always had good instincts and a certain penchant for being able to see people and know their internal commotion.Perhaps from experience but mostly inherited from my grandma on my fathers side.
I need to write a blog about her one day.She was by far the most complete as you can get person I ever knew,and I learned what honest love was from her.
My family stumbled on all sorts of levels to the point where I disconnected to a degree and felt I was part of a show for the outside ,but inside that house was a lie.It was so obvious my parents couldnt stand each other for years.I believe my father wanted different but didnt know what to do.My mother was far too potent and down right cruel to him and so yes he drank and made big messes too.They all have their thoughts on it ,but after many years I realize it wasnt ever a family to me,we clung on to bits and pieces of  nice times but it really was ridiculous.
What am I getting at?
It has occured to me a lot lately that the big mistakes and mess Ive made of my life were when I didnt trust myself to make decisions that were right for "me".At our place it was do what looks right and look like you enjoy it or youll be called out for being a drag.
I have always done as I wanted workwise and long ago music came first.
It is my home life that I struggle with.Not with my wife ,or home ,I love them to a degree that one cant use words for.But as I have grown older I notice how much emphasis on doing the right thing all the time by everybody is not something one can do.In the end I have made emotional messes of things that are not emotional at all for other people.
Im an absolute homebody,I dont crave going out or traveling or socializing most of the time.I love to entertain some times but not much else.This is a mystery to all that know me except for my freind Marty who matches me in this regard.
I have been in so many tangles about "me" not wanting to do something.When you say no people act like its personal .I always think of Barbara Stanwyck saying she was a homebody and didnt understand all the hubub when she declined gatherings adding that all she meant was that she didnt want to.Dont we all own that right without opposition from others?
My defense has always been "why do you want me somewhere I wont enjoy myself"And I will be the first to let any person that doesnt wish to do what the rest are doing to trust themselves....they know what they want or dont want and they are allowed.
This has been a huge part of my sad lately,along with the poverty ,and grief and the desicration of all the property around my house.....dont get me started.
After all this what we need to do is please ourselves if we are going to please others in a whole and complete way.
Selfishness doesnt have a heart,but I do and and if I dont love me ,nobody will.