And on and On

Anyone following this blog is wondering where the hell I went to Im sure.Since last may my life ha been so full of crazy and work and caretaking of my mom and I just have sort of shutdown with not much to motivate me to begin again and where.
I thank so very much the 4000 and more that read and maybe confused as to my months of not writing at all.And even today I am simply here to say that more will come soon.I do actually believe Im starting to really pull forward to get out of this crazy writer block Im in.
I attended my stepfathers 90th birthday yesterday.....it is so amazing to me how he has kept going on and knows his limitations(which are few)Hes all there and accepts that right now this minute is the most important time in your life.......you do not know whats coming......i watch and learn so much from him.I was asked to speak and included this in a very emotion packed speech .I love speaking....it comes through me so naturally and its another gift ive been given that has nothing to do with me.All i do is speak the truth and it flows in tears ,laughter and love.
So my message today is one I believe Ive written before.........if there are people in your life that have meant the world to you......TELL THEM TODAY.Many people are afraid because of the thought of crying or sounding stupid.......I cried yesterday at times but have always believed when people are moved to tears speaking to one they love that it only endears you more to that person and shows enormous respect.....and to me that is sacred.Go do it today and every time you have those"I wish I would have said more.."moments .Time goes quickly and the more you remain silent the more you risk losing people before you got around to say what they truly mean to you.
Still poor...not as bad.....better money coming....but I have love,home food shelter....and thats so much more than so many.
Sunday is a great time to reach out for many of you having a restful one......do it today.
I shall return soon.........

Trust Your Self

I have always had good instincts and a certain penchant for being able to see people and know their internal commotion.Perhaps from experience but mostly inherited from my grandma on my fathers side.
I need to write a blog about her one day.She was by far the most complete as you can get person I ever knew,and I learned what honest love was from her.
My family stumbled on all sorts of levels to the point where I disconnected to a degree and felt I was part of a show for the outside ,but inside that house was a lie.It was so obvious my parents couldnt stand each other for years.I believe my father wanted different but didnt know what to do.My mother was far too potent and down right cruel to him and so yes he drank and made big messes too.They all have their thoughts on it ,but after many years I realize it wasnt ever a family to me,we clung on to bits and pieces of  nice times but it really was ridiculous.
What am I getting at?
It has occured to me a lot lately that the big mistakes and mess Ive made of my life were when I didnt trust myself to make decisions that were right for "me".At our place it was do what looks right and look like you enjoy it or youll be called out for being a drag.
I have always done as I wanted workwise and long ago music came first.
It is my home life that I struggle with.Not with my wife ,or home ,I love them to a degree that one cant use words for.But as I have grown older I notice how much emphasis on doing the right thing all the time by everybody is not something one can do.In the end I have made emotional messes of things that are not emotional at all for other people.
Im an absolute homebody,I dont crave going out or traveling or socializing most of the time.I love to entertain some times but not much else.This is a mystery to all that know me except for my freind Marty who matches me in this regard.
I have been in so many tangles about "me" not wanting to do something.When you say no people act like its personal .I always think of Barbara Stanwyck saying she was a homebody and didnt understand all the hubub when she declined gatherings adding that all she meant was that she didnt want to.Dont we all own that right without opposition from others?
My defense has always been "why do you want me somewhere I wont enjoy myself"And I will be the first to let any person that doesnt wish to do what the rest are doing to trust themselves....they know what they want or dont want and they are allowed.
This has been a huge part of my sad lately,along with the poverty ,and grief and the desicration of all the property around my house.....dont get me started.
After all this what we need to do is please ourselves if we are going to please others in a whole and complete way.
Selfishness doesnt have a heart,but I do and and if I dont love me ,nobody will.

Rough Times........

We all have them.
We fight our way the best we can and then sometimes we burnout and have to take rest ,food, and contemplate why a life can get so sad and overwhelming.
When I left you all in Sept.I certainly didnt plan on it.......a slow depression was taking over and it is just beginning to leave.
We have been in grief for 9 months now over my father in law.My wife was raised by people who adored each other and her sadness at her mothers loss far outshines her own.I have to try to get her to let go and keep letting it wash over her......it is endless but it becomes more poingant the longer they are gone.I miss my father so much these days and its been 20 years!
The job I was happy about has become a very rough go physically and emotionally.......not what my first blog about it implied.
It seems I am the person to come to for all stress related problems as the company I work for is loaded with upper management that truly dont know state laws,facts,or the incredible amount of work it takes to start a nursing floor.....the modified diets alone are a huge challenge.....and guess who knows all about it?
I am awaiting a 2 to 3 dollar raise (and a title,means nothing to me)if they cant do it Im on the looking for work side again........I cant keep up this saving people thing much longer without compensation so we will see......ya never know.
On top of this is my mother who was sicker than she has ever been for the last 9 months has gotten well again.I really thought she was dying for sure and spent too many nights worried sick ,hands sweating etc.
My sister came and relieved me for a time and it was most helpful to just have her near me.Those of us who take on caregiving have some very lonely moments and she brought me love and support I so needed.
Then there is my wife who even though she is in total greif still makes time to support me and puts up with a very crabby ,mouthy husband(i have trouble shutting up on a rant!!(embarassing).
We are also being totally built upon in what used to a wooded glen and is now big ass ridiculous homes.I am so against power couples buying  and using precious resources so they can live like a star.
We wont get into that today.....everyone wants fame these days 40% of children when asked ....want to be stars.That creeps me out so much.
I am going to try to get here soon again..........I have so little energy left from hard work and then the depression has kept me away too.
But I see this as a coping tool as much as creation and will try much harder.
Till then....love people,care for them,tell them what you see in them and remember that no matter how much you have monetarily it pales in comparison to people you love and are loved back by in life.

Getting Back To It

Our summer this year was a difficult one.

Starting with the death of my wifes father and then major horrid construction of a new house not ten feet from us, plus they shot a movie across the street and broke every law there was.....including even informing us they would be shooting.

Im a manners freak.I believe much of our american society has lost the ability to think of others first and proceed in kindness.The amount of people who call themselves Christian is amazing to me.To be a Christian means acting Christ like in your actions.Which I believe takes a lifetime of practice,and evolves with time  to deliver us as whole by the time we reach the end.I study all religions,they all point to the moon.

The biggest news is I secured a job at a lovely assisted living,nursing and independent living.

I have never entered a job with no anxiety or worries,but this one is going way to well and I thought perhaps due to the grueling warehouse ,shoe job....that it is so much easier on my body and pays way better.

The staff is great.......the problem is my boss is new to this kind of thing and doesnt realize what it means to be state inspection ready and there is much to cover.I have already been told that the staff wants me in charge and I have only worked 8 days.....he has left me alone to run things for 3 days already as he has been struggling and working constantly.I recieved a note from a nursing patient my 3rd day that raved about my meatloaf and cherry crisp.I know this seems not such a big deal.....but in food in these places the complaints happen daily(they wait with such anticipation about meals)to have this happen,my goodness,it just doesnt.My whole happiness in this kind of work is based on them being happy and it totally made my day. And money coming is such a blessing.Just before I took the job I worked for a friend(20 bucks an hour!)helping replace manholes in a parking lot......you wanna talk hard work......wow!

But I so love that I have had the chance to do all kinds of things in my lifetime,I have always said success is not based on money....its based on becoming the person you have wanted to be and your story is invaluable to others that may not know you well but take away something.That is teaching...we are all teachers about ourselves and our experience.I have a lifetime friend that is a real teacher and her stories of her students and  having real effect always makes me take pause and admire her.She is also a gifted writer and has been great about my input here.Basically I cant call myself a writer.......but I do have the gift of sharing without hiding any portion of my life and it always shocks people when I tell the truth.

This is why I dont mind aging......no regrets,moving on,learning and most of all loving openly.I have noone I feel I have to impress anymore......a hard lesson for my ego to learn so of course I have moments ,but mostly Im okay and know Im moving the right direction. 

But First A Recipe...

Been a long time since I posted a cheap eats recipe.
Ive been caught up in life drama to the utmost and it has dragged me down to a new level of poverty that is difficult.Tho I had a great interview yesterday.......but you cant expect anything when your a senior citizen by americas standards and are not taken seriously.
There was a time I got a job offered every time I went looking.But not so now.At any rate tightening the belt on finances is crucial.
So here is a great one dish I made recently for under 4 dollars.
One pkg of turkey smoked sausage
I bag of no yolk noodles
onion and green peppers julienned
1 can if petite diced tomatos
Slice the sausage about 1/2 inch diagonals(just looks cooler)
Saute peppers ,onions,and meat(any will do)till they are softened(meat browned)
Add your tomatoes ,well drained and stir to heat
Serve over cooked noodles
I use basil,garlic,blk pepper,actually anything that tastes good.I
dont use salt ever but thats a personal choice.....salt away.
Serve with some grated cheese per serve....very delicious.We dont do a lot of meat per say but when things are on super sale who can resist!
Prayers and meditations to all who are suffering,things can be much worse than my problems and for those of you who have no food,shelter or anyone,try to remember god doesnt make junk.......people create it.You are a child of all there is and tho the path may have enormous hurdles.....never feel like you dont measure up you are an invited guest like everyone else.

Poor and Poorer............

Ever since my father-inlaw passed the summer has fallen into a cavern of sad and depressed that try as I might I cant seem to lift.My poor tuckered out wife has gone to Montana with her family (their treat).I am hoping to get things done around here and have done some already.
I think the hardest thing right now is the financial......which in turn just heaps on more stress and depression on top of the greif.We have money woes that linger and make one feel inept when one cant find a decent job or even an interview(every once in a while I get one!)
I have done the route of  working a crummy job just to have insurance .....what was left over was less than five hundred a month!And of course if I am forced to I will work another crap job.Very hard at the age of 55 to have to find work.........not so much for white collar......but for those of us who have worked blue collar jobs to reach a place in their company where they were all set and have it taken away has been devastating.
What to do?
During the fourth of July I worked for a fireworks booth that paid cash.Nice,until the end when I had misunderstood that they were paying me less per hour because it was my first year!What?......hello folks but it aint brain surgery and my partner and I at our booth were sold out except for afew roman candles.
They paid me more.....but still not what I thought.
The mix of people was so interesting to me.I worked with a lot of middle east people and it was an education for me in so many ways.
I also worked with people as poor and poorer than me.Some were rough exteriored and worn looking on the outside,but some of the struggles they had been through were so sad to me that I thanked my lucky stars each night that even tho I was struggling harder than ever I still have a  wife and a life thats safe.Some of them lived in scary areas and one evening I was treated to seeing gun and knife wounds they had......just for being where they shoudnt be at the time.It was normal to them.
Its odd to me as I grow older what people find to be success in life.I have talked about this before.The area I live in is the new wealthy,(they dont really have money)They do to a degree.....but certainly have to work way to much to keep it all up.Thus you see many fab mini mansions standing blank and alone and seemingly uninhabited as mom and dad are working at their power jobs and their kids are dropped somewhere.

I have had the experience of being around "old" money and the people that keep making it.It has been fun to educate people about the fact that people that truly have money are not hung up about it because they appreciate it and its great convenience.Yes,Mr Poor and Content has hung with the very rich and find them not to be what people fantasize.Its just not what people think.(this does not mean I dont wish to try it!)

I need to stop the worry,its very hard not to ,but the longer I live the more I know there is just right now, and there is nothing else.I can plan and scheme and do what I have to.....but in the end I always know this trail was given to me by something much bigger than me and worrying or mistrusting it may be wrong.
Meditations of love and compassion to all that are struggling be it financial,emotional,or whatever the case may be.We are all the same......why do we try so hard to stand apart......thats a lonely place.

Morning After Mourning After Morning

My father in law died suddenly about a month ago.There was a two week wait for his memorial that was excruciating .He has left a huge hole in our lives.
He was not a man of healthy habits and lived much longer than both siblings and his father ,outlived his dad by a decade at least ..he was 75.And hated it!
He didnt like aging and was befuddled by the fact that he felt so vital  and still up for almost anything.
He had no gray hair......Im 20 years younger and I am a headful of long silvery and dark gray hair.
My wife and whole family are still in shock.......he was a force.
I spoke at the memorial.I called him a "character with character" and spoke of his many kind and compassionate things he did for us ,but mostly the protrayal of a couple who adored each other in many of the same ways my wife and I do.We had many dinners just the 4 of us and it became more intimate and loving all the time.Nice.
I also sang a very slowed down and haunting couple of lines from The Summer Wind.I of course was nervous but somehow it was the first time I ever opened my mouth and wasnt truly afraid.In fact there was an emotional calm Ive never experienced.After much reflection I have decided that it was love.For them for me and all attending.I have written that talent is a gift you cannot take credit for as a person.People think all the time it means something different about them.No,its just a gift,nothing more.The big realization this time was that I had nothing to do with how it turned out...as I was singing there was something that pulled me up and said "you know how to do this ,its a natural gift ,share it,...let the self judgement go!"I also wanted to do it right for my in-laws ,it was very important to me....maybe that figured in,but it came so easily that I have no other choice than to call it holy.
We need to keep remembering there is only right this moment......some of us have had a lifetime of loss so it comes easier.....but we all need to work on this,no question.
Prayers and meditations to my wife and whole family are happening daily.....wont you join me?