I was watching a rerun of Ali Mcgraw on Super Soul this morning and remembered what she said about kindness.How its used so small and yet it is probably one of the biggest words ever.
My wife and I have actually been faulted for being too kind........is that possible?
I had an experience recently where I helped out a very sad young woman who needed money and food and so I helped with what I could.Her tears actually fell on the cement floor.
Within a few days she started to rage about eveything and everybody she was working with and it reminded me of me and my growing up.
Do I regret the kindness to her?.....No,of course not......but there are plenty that have told me I was a fool to help her.
Everyone has a history and crap in their cupboards to clear out.When I was kind to her I saw the effect so clearly......and the important thing is I know she will remember.
Growing takes time......we cant expect that because we practice kindness it will open up everything......but it cant hurt anything to start with kindness and go from there.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Theres a Shift............
Shifting in to what I want to practice daily has become very hard as of late.I have a lot of unhappy and discouraging memories that haunt me daily .I have been using a breathing technique that I learned about from Pema Chodron.I love her and her story........yes,look her up.
I have been what looks like whining to other people who were raised in love ,support and guidance.
My stepsister CKathy(inside joke spelling)was here for a simple lunch and I told her all kinds of stuff that I dont know she really needed to hear.Clearly she was taken aback by what I was saying about family.
I have a very warped view of traditional family.And I need to remember that all people can not understand my ranting because somebody did right by them when the were young.
I have rage that began over 50 years ago and recently I am not happy with myself at all as I was making progress (tiny, but still) and that felt right!
The financial continues to burden ....but I have said before I really do have everything I "need"and I do ...and even more live like royalty compared to the absolute suffering done by good people in this country because it no longer has living wages.
I made 11000 take home last year..........disgusting when I think of the horrendous backbreaking work I did for the last 4 years.
There are some of us that could be fine with very little........if you have grown your buying of things as you made more money then you most likely dont really know what Im saying.But there are a ton of us that think a living wage is much smaller than people think.Due to financial discussions about whether you should buy meat or not and the like.!
But there are the gifts that happen along the way......recently my old job sent me money for overpayments on their ridiculous costing insurance and also get a check from a 401k I have no idea why I started.So thats a nice free bit of cash ......and truly ......all is well.
Today my wife and I are spending a whole day at home together......basically this never happens.She is consumed in work and I am battling thru yet another bad spell in my mothers illness.Parents growing older is a cinch for some.I feel somewhat lonely in all of it and wish I could be stronger as I have had bouts of tears and sadness that become worse when I think of all the yuck that lingers in my memory.
Shifting takes awhile and I know facing pain head on is a useful thing.Crying and laughing are both releases and I do plenty of laughing and always have.Tears are a new thing for me.........I was always a well-up sort but, oh my dont cry hard.Regardless they both feel good in the end .
And now?...to the kitchen to cook for my beloved...........one of my favorite things forever!!And speaking of meat earlier, I have 2 different kinds to choose from..........content,yes.
I have been what looks like whining to other people who were raised in love ,support and guidance.
My stepsister CKathy(inside joke spelling)was here for a simple lunch and I told her all kinds of stuff that I dont know she really needed to hear.Clearly she was taken aback by what I was saying about family.
I have a very warped view of traditional family.And I need to remember that all people can not understand my ranting because somebody did right by them when the were young.
I have rage that began over 50 years ago and recently I am not happy with myself at all as I was making progress (tiny, but still) and that felt right!
The financial continues to burden ....but I have said before I really do have everything I "need"and I do ...and even more live like royalty compared to the absolute suffering done by good people in this country because it no longer has living wages.
I made 11000 take home last year..........disgusting when I think of the horrendous backbreaking work I did for the last 4 years.
There are some of us that could be fine with very little........if you have grown your buying of things as you made more money then you most likely dont really know what Im saying.But there are a ton of us that think a living wage is much smaller than people think.Due to financial discussions about whether you should buy meat or not and the like.!
But there are the gifts that happen along the way......recently my old job sent me money for overpayments on their ridiculous costing insurance and also get a check from a 401k I have no idea why I started.So thats a nice free bit of cash ......and truly ......all is well.
Today my wife and I are spending a whole day at home together......basically this never happens.She is consumed in work and I am battling thru yet another bad spell in my mothers illness.Parents growing older is a cinch for some.I feel somewhat lonely in all of it and wish I could be stronger as I have had bouts of tears and sadness that become worse when I think of all the yuck that lingers in my memory.
Shifting takes awhile and I know facing pain head on is a useful thing.Crying and laughing are both releases and I do plenty of laughing and always have.Tears are a new thing for me.........I was always a well-up sort but, oh my dont cry hard.Regardless they both feel good in the end .
And now?...to the kitchen to cook for my beloved...........one of my favorite things forever!!And speaking of meat earlier, I have 2 different kinds to choose from..........content,yes.
Friday, March 6, 2015
You Used To Drink
Its funny because as soon as I speak about drinking or my strong opinion on it,people inevidibly say the above phrase.
The truth is noone but my wife knows the real story .
I found a solution to all my anxiety when I began drinking as a teen.I think it is the most common reason of all as most of us have self esteem problems.
As a musician I was given a lifestyle that played into the idea of talent,fear,judgement and stagefright........we must remember I was 22 and was not prepared for anything.I desperately wanted to do it but it was exremely scary at first.
I loved to party afterward and I stayed up all night knocking it back many.many times in my life.I regret none of it as it all leads to where I am now.It also is a great tool to help others with the same problem,there is a lot of uncalled for judgement and just plain ego filled b.s. when I hear an uneducated individual make such cutting ridiculous statements about my private life.I actually had an old friend say she was sooo glad she wasnt married to me,simply because she called when I had just gotten out of emergency after a bender and we hadnt spoken in years.I also had my mother say"Its such a blessing you never had children".(really hurt as we chose not to have kids on my part because of being raised in commotion.For my wife and I to hold in our memories,noone else.)
These things are hard to take,it is a part of the territory but I am done with people thinking they know what happened when they dont even ask.........I have only had one freind or family "ever' ask about my time working on this besides my amazing wife, sister, and freind extraordnaire MartyNot one person has said how are you?What was it like?I guess the world wants to hide in church basements and not say their last name because god forbid someone might wonder about what your up to.
My name is Stephen Watts and Im an alcoholic........no fear here........get in line to ask questions... those that judge simply over the word ......Im sorry for you.Remember a whole lot of us chose to go to rehab........we did not "have" to.This is the most overthought idea"you had to go to rehab"....no..."I wanted to go to rehab."
Okay so just to get it straight
I was sober from 89 till 2000 then 2000till 2008then 2008 til 2015.The drinking in these rough spots of a week or two at a time was full on chronic alcohol addiction alcoholism progresses even when you are sober,its true!........a suprise to me when I took a drink after 10 years and had to have tons more till I was so sick I would go to the hospital to come off it.Why would I continue?If I knew why I would be a billionare from owning rehabs!
Yes,my wife did have to endure my behavior but was ready to learn and grow with me.She is the kindest woman I know,,,,,,,,,but her water is very deep .........everyone has a history.It would be so very ignorant to assume that there has never been trouble on her side.....my goodness,my great marriage did not come out of one person.......32 years and I love her so much it scares me.(seriously)
My last two blogs have been pretty serious and angry to a degree........not what I want here.......but sometimes things have to be made very clear so people can get out of their prejudged notions.I still believe as Depak Chopra says "what other people think of me ,is none of my business"A wonderful freeing statement,but sometimes there is need to get the record straight.
With all this swirling going on where is content?
"two nights ago I got up to get water and when I came back to bed there was an amazing shadow on the snow created by a huge moon over my oak tree.......awesome....freezing ....I jumped into bed lying with my back touching her back and laying one hand to rest on her hip.Then looking out the window again ......just as happy and content as can be................its always there.....that contentment....keep seeking"
Stephen Watts
Alcoholic and Husband
I realize the importance of a program and did not mean to denounce any particular way.All alcoholics are in different stages of recovery and sobriety my thoughts are my own and not meant to criticize anyone who is finding there way out any way they can.
The truth is noone but my wife knows the real story .
I found a solution to all my anxiety when I began drinking as a teen.I think it is the most common reason of all as most of us have self esteem problems.
As a musician I was given a lifestyle that played into the idea of talent,fear,judgement and stagefright........we must remember I was 22 and was not prepared for anything.I desperately wanted to do it but it was exremely scary at first.
I loved to party afterward and I stayed up all night knocking it back many.many times in my life.I regret none of it as it all leads to where I am now.It also is a great tool to help others with the same problem,there is a lot of uncalled for judgement and just plain ego filled b.s. when I hear an uneducated individual make such cutting ridiculous statements about my private life.I actually had an old friend say she was sooo glad she wasnt married to me,simply because she called when I had just gotten out of emergency after a bender and we hadnt spoken in years.I also had my mother say"Its such a blessing you never had children".(really hurt as we chose not to have kids on my part because of being raised in commotion.For my wife and I to hold in our memories,noone else.)
These things are hard to take,it is a part of the territory but I am done with people thinking they know what happened when they dont even ask.........I have only had one freind or family "ever' ask about my time working on this besides my amazing wife, sister, and freind extraordnaire MartyNot one person has said how are you?What was it like?I guess the world wants to hide in church basements and not say their last name because god forbid someone might wonder about what your up to.
My name is Stephen Watts and Im an alcoholic........no fear here........get in line to ask questions... those that judge simply over the word ......Im sorry for you.Remember a whole lot of us chose to go to rehab........we did not "have" to.This is the most overthought idea"you had to go to rehab"....no..."I wanted to go to rehab."
Okay so just to get it straight
I was sober from 89 till 2000 then 2000till 2008then 2008 til 2015.The drinking in these rough spots of a week or two at a time was full on chronic alcohol addiction alcoholism progresses even when you are sober,its true!........a suprise to me when I took a drink after 10 years and had to have tons more till I was so sick I would go to the hospital to come off it.Why would I continue?If I knew why I would be a billionare from owning rehabs!
Yes,my wife did have to endure my behavior but was ready to learn and grow with me.She is the kindest woman I know,,,,,,,,,but her water is very deep .........everyone has a history.It would be so very ignorant to assume that there has never been trouble on her side.....my goodness,my great marriage did not come out of one person.......32 years and I love her so much it scares me.(seriously)
My last two blogs have been pretty serious and angry to a degree........not what I want here.......but sometimes things have to be made very clear so people can get out of their prejudged notions.I still believe as Depak Chopra says "what other people think of me ,is none of my business"A wonderful freeing statement,but sometimes there is need to get the record straight.
With all this swirling going on where is content?
"two nights ago I got up to get water and when I came back to bed there was an amazing shadow on the snow created by a huge moon over my oak tree.......awesome....freezing ....I jumped into bed lying with my back touching her back and laying one hand to rest on her hip.Then looking out the window again ......just as happy and content as can be................its always there.....that contentment....keep seeking"
Stephen Watts
Alcoholic and Husband
I realize the importance of a program and did not mean to denounce any particular way.All alcoholics are in different stages of recovery and sobriety my thoughts are my own and not meant to criticize anyone who is finding there way out any way they can.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Take Cover Someones Drinking
I have taken a long time to discuss alcohol and the severe and utter chaos it has caused from the age of about ten til now and Im still fighting.(mostly effects not my own personal battle)
I originally quit 26 years ago .......I have had minor slips as they call them......but I have been sober for the better part of 26 years
But Im not going to discuss that part today.
The drinking began in my chidhood home at about 10 years old.It was odd because on occasion my father would come home drunk and things were bound to get really ugly.
By that time my folks disliked each other heartily........so usually there would be a picking and circling kind of nasty and then the screaming would start full tilt!
When I think about it now I am absolutely astounded that 2 people of such good intention could allow such horror...................it happens all the time to so many and we ignore it and say its okay by our silence.
Drunks have a way of controling the room even though they themselves are not in control.Husbands,wifes and children get that sick, awful ,embarassing,I dont know what to do feeling.
Children should not be around drinking at all at any time .Ive come to this conclusion after the watching of my nieces (sisters children)and the beauty of living and being raised in a sober house as opposed to my sister and I plus many kids in extended family that are "given the gift" by drunken adult relatives(its bad).
On top of that,as an adult I have become increasingly angry (and should be)with my freinds and family who have fallen head first into their ever present drink.I have always been unafraid to do what I have to, to have some kind of calm run through me.So if an event comes up where I know I dont belong I just simply dont go.But kids have no choice ,they get to go wherever mom and dad decide to and watch everything they do and have the lifelong impression of fear and anxiety take up valueable space in an unblemished brain.
Alcohol is our biggest drug problem.......why do we keep accepting it like its a small mistake?It clearly has killed families in so many ways....the list of utter crap it produces is to long to put down.
I am asking grown up people to look at what they are doing......more so the sober people in a drunken partner relationship.......remove children and family from your toxic personal issues with your partner and do every single thing there is to keep children from seeing the fear and roadblocks it sets up.
I realize this is a lot to ask as people are in the behavior without knowing it............yes,it puts us in a very vulnerable place when we decide to do something that will cause a stir in the family......but every simmering pan in lfe has to be stirred lest it scorches the pan for life.Hurry........its burning.
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