Shifting in to what I want to practice daily has become very hard as of late.I have a lot of unhappy and discouraging memories that haunt me daily .I have been using a breathing technique that I learned about from Pema Chodron.I love her and her story........yes,look her up.
I have been what looks like whining to other people who were raised in love ,support and guidance.
My stepsister CKathy(inside joke spelling)was here for a simple lunch and I told her all kinds of stuff that I dont know she really needed to hear.Clearly she was taken aback by what I was saying about family.
I have a very warped view of traditional family.And I need to remember that all people can not understand my ranting because somebody did right by them when the were young.
I have rage that began over 50 years ago and recently I am not happy with myself at all as I was making progress (tiny, but still) and that felt right!
The financial continues to burden ....but I have said before I really do have everything I "need"and I do ...and even more live like royalty compared to the absolute suffering done by good people in this country because it no longer has living wages.
I made 11000 take home last year..........disgusting when I think of the horrendous backbreaking work I did for the last 4 years.
There are some of us that could be fine with very little........if you have grown your buying of things as you made more money then you most likely dont really know what Im saying.But there are a ton of us that think a living wage is much smaller than people think.Due to financial discussions about whether you should buy meat or not and the like.!
But there are the gifts that happen along the way......recently my old job sent me money for overpayments on their ridiculous costing insurance and also get a check from a 401k I have no idea why I started.So thats a nice free bit of cash ......and truly ......all is well.
Today my wife and I are spending a whole day at home together......basically this never happens.She is consumed in work and I am battling thru yet another bad spell in my mothers illness.Parents growing older is a cinch for some.I feel somewhat lonely in all of it and wish I could be stronger as I have had bouts of tears and sadness that become worse when I think of all the yuck that lingers in my memory.
Shifting takes awhile and I know facing pain head on is a useful thing.Crying and laughing are both releases and I do plenty of laughing and always have.Tears are a new thing for me.........I was always a well-up sort but, oh my dont cry hard.Regardless they both feel good in the end .
And now?...to the kitchen to cook for my beloved...........one of my favorite things forever!!And speaking of meat earlier, I have 2 different kinds to choose from..........content,yes.
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