Change

This morning I'm up early and just finished watching an interview with Pema Chodron,a Buddhist nun,it made me feel supported in my need for change in my life.
We ever evolve and I believe many get caught in an existence of doing as best I can financially and that will make me feel better.Or doing everything for everybody else because if they are all happy then I will be too.I am at the end of my career in retail.It really has come down to the breakdown of my body and not willing to suffer injury for so little(been to a Dr.twice in 2 months for mishaps)So change is coming after the first of the year.
My biggest regret is that I will be bombarded by people (family)freaking and saying all the b.s. cliches and the doing things we "have to do".One of my favorite quotes was hanging in my office years ago at a good job that said"I dont "have"to do anything" by Lillian Hellman.
It all comes down to money which pisses me off of course.......in the end since my insurance is so high I bring home maybe 160 a week..........ridiculous.
So I will rise and move forward,we have to continue to move forward and allow inner thoughts and whispers to guide us.It doesnt have to be this huge thing..........I ,as many people I have studied, believe I have everything I need as a human,therefor I am capable of ..........I wont say "anything"(i will never sing like Aretha Franklin)but my capabilities are endless in so many areas and Im awake and ready for all of it.
The holidays are here as far as work is concerned ...big time.....this silly place I live is all about things and stuff and looking fabulous.........I love my home and I can scoot around town from my location so I dont have to see the self proclaimed "elite"and their "me first"crap.In my snootarama town it is legal to turn on red for left turns,you dont ever use signals,you pull out no matter what the speed the car coming towards you is going....but most of all I say "hello"to everyone and very few even look....sad.
But today is a day off with my lovely other half and believe it or not we are way ahead on christmas shopping(yes I will miss the store discount!)
But coming this week I cook for a big bunch.I afford it by in-laws buying turkey and people bring dessert so last year my whole bill was 15.00.And my mother said it was the best stuffing she ever put in her mouth!That is hilarious as I literally threw it together and have added sausage for several years with great success .
Remember poorandcontenters at holiday time it is essential to watch food prices and get holiday prep foods for cheap....if you dont cook.......learn.It is the most cost effective way to eat healthy food.
I started cooking at 14 for my sister and father when my mom went back to work.My father ate some interesting things for a while.......never complained...ate like a horse.....but i got great at it....you dont have to be great at it to make good tasting meals.Start trying to cook ,follow directions........etc,And if you can cook teach it to a young person.....a skill that brings people together and makes happiness.(and cheap)
Enjoy your day and remember that "you" are enough,without any money,degree,home,whatever you think you "should" have.Happiness is fleeting...content is endless,live this moment and reject the projection of the future,we have no certainty ..ever.....when I remember this it makes me honor today so much more.

Something To Fall Back On

So often when I was growing up I would hear the above and think ...sooooo go learn something besides what your passion is and settle.
But as of late I have thought of this phrase in connection with service.I have said in the past that I have always known my capacity to care and have compassion.
I have sort of gained emotional daughters at work who are young and struggling.Life is hard now for anyone but these two I bonded with and started to be there for almost immediately .
So I started to think that the joy this brings me is absolutely not describable and that maybe my job after hearing it all my life "is"  "Something to fall back on".
We all have to make money to live but for me to feel the utmost filled up and complete in such an extraordinary way means to me ....money or not .......it is my calling.
I find when Im caught up in myself too much(habits of worry,regret,...crap)If I focus on doing for some one else I turn that lousy worthless ,mean talk into compassion and Im all better and take as much as I can and fill up to spilling till the next fall.And there will be a next fall ...we are all feeling the same things and they rear their ugly heads to squash us down all the time.
I am giving my life to this every day to take my self doubts and pain and share my life story and be open and available to anyone who needs me.
This is another place I find the "Content" part,breathing out and in with certainty that love is here.

That Content Part

We have had gorgeous sunny fall weather so much this year using the deck far longer than normal.But today it is a chilly 62 and gray as my hair!Love this kind of day to cook something one pot and do mostly a lot of sitting quietly(I sit for an hour or more when my day is finally over being content in meditation that consists of looking at everything across the road in the woods staying as much in the moment as possible.)
Im a person who loves my home so much .
Im always trying to get here,arising at 4a.m. I sometimes dont get here till way late after doing errands and the like ...but I have quiet content time "every day".It is so important we take time for ourselves to quiet the racing thoughts and silliness of adult life.
I urge all of you to find a way to do this.........even 1/2 hour is good but keep trying to make it longer so it becomes habit to incorporate it.
AND..........its free.

The Little Things

Gone forever once more and a very full summer of work ,parties,even a 10 day vacation that was gloriuos but we all have to return and my job is so physically challenging ,I dreamt of retirement alot while I was away.
I have been thinking alot about how we dont celebrate our lifes journeys in the sacred way they should be.I believe memories of pinnacle moments in our lives is a great tool to keep us going.
We tend to say "oh good for me !" and then promptly let them go as we search for the next boost.
You cant find them .....they find you to bolster you on your way to have the confidence to not fear whats next.
I realized the other day that I tend to think of my life as a mishmash of weird instead the amazing collection of things Ive done and gotten to experience.
I am an alcoholic that has fought fearlessly against my addiction and continue to win the battle,I won a bronze medal in gymnastics on vault 40 years ago and it comes out at every Olympics just for fun(mine was just a regional ........still it means a great deal to me).The same year I won grand prize in the school talent show (it was then I realized people who had nothing to do with me before were speaking to me...I was smart enough to not take it seriously.I taught gymnastics and stayed with favorite friends in Ann Arbor for short time(blast)
I was blessed with talent........I had to play music......and so I did......I was 22 when I was lucky enough to play a nice small lounge for the next 9 years.I did not have any other job...it was great(but it IS work keeping a room meant knowing at least 500 songs and constantly adding peoples favorites.)
I cooked for a meals on wheels program that was one of the most fun jobs I have ever had.And got to create a supper club like show where I cooked the meal for 80 then sang for them too..Fun!
My last job before entering the struggle of being poor was as a supervisor at a very large retirement community where we began a program called the Eden Alternative a wonderful thing that was very hard to instill in such a large complex.At any rate I was trained to teach,run learning circles etc,I was asked to speak at the annual symposium on my call to care for elders just before the creator Dr.William Thomas would take the stage.I thought it was going to be podium in a lecture room........It was actually 300 plus people in a gorgeous chandelier hung ballroom with stage and 2 screens about ten ft tall on either side of me(holy s--t!) So I went to the  restroom and called on my grandma and my dad to come with me...both dead but always with me.
It went so well that it was overwhelming ,First I got a standing ovation which blew me away but then after and I am not embellishing I could not move 2 ft for the rest of the day without someone stopping me to say thankyou and how much the loved it.
I was speaking for like minded people and so it was an easier audience but I will never forget the day that I realized I could move people by being myself.....no playing,no singing.....just me...connecting.....the joy of it was not explainable.So moved was I ,that I wept folded over the table when I got home.
There are more personal moments with family and friends that are forever love spots on my heart.

So today lets see where weve been and focus on the amazing journey instead of whats next............to remember where weve been is to see where we are going.

Connecting

How many of us have great intention of staying in touch with dear friends and sometimes years go by without any contact.The amazing thing about it is if the bond is complete and in tact when you separate you will connect and start where you left off no matter the length of time.
I have an early childhood bestie that I still get in touch with not often but because we grew up together it is always immediate and comfortable.

Last week I finally called a couple friend of ours that I hadnt talked to in almost two years.And it was wonderful right away.....except they moved to Arizona from here in Michigan and I had no idea!She felt bad about not calling but didnt need to.We all do it ...........If I hear another person tell me how busy they are and go on about it,..........its so indulgent and selfish.
Almost everyone is "busy"and some of us doing things we really dont enjoy but endure.So what!
If you want to make time you will.And Im not great at it but I am happy I still can get it together to eventually stay in touch with people that I think of all the time.
People enrich our lives.............some we cant understand.Thats different.
But the ones who have impacted our lives float around and speak to us from time to time and we say "god I love them....why havent I picked up a phone or simply shot off a line?"
Its stupid lazy........phone sitting there.......computer in front of you......you miss them........but.................
we are all guilty!The dumbest part of all is that when we do connect it heals,and then we remember how much they mean to us........and then we dont call or write till we are absolutely starved for someone to understand whats going on and they are alway there no matter how far.
Love doesnt hold people to being responsible for not getting in touch.Love says I love you no matter where you are what your doing or how 'busy"you are.
If you hesitate because its been so long that your afraid.........stop it!The people you are connected to by deep love and history will always be happy to hear from you.........and if they arnt .......no one that loves you is going to blame you for the lapse and thats really the end of it!
Special thought to Patty Lou for inspiring this blog and to Billy Koza ........for amazing memories.

Sorry

I was so excited to get this blog up and running and then it crashes 2 posts after I get it back ,Im not super adept at any of the computer stuff,but this has been a bad few months with tech problems.
Ive been thinking about forgiveness very much lately .
Many of us hold on to deep wounds received through growing up in unsettling households .
It makes it difficult for people to know what to hold on to and what to let go.
I think we would be best off if we could forgive it and go on.In my case I was criticized very often on my appearance and my off the cuff attitude that I was going to play and sing for a living did not go over well with one of my parents......the other couldnt say enough about my talents and ability.
When we say forgive I think people attach way to much to what it means.In this case I have been thinking about what May a Angelou said about it.It doesnt mean sorting it all out and and making nice,Its just plain let it go and move on.
I think I have written about seeing your parents as "people"(which doesnt happen at all unless you really look").
We fall for what our parents say about us no matter what because it starts when we are so new to the world and if care is not taken to speak properly in front of chidren and hatefulness between parents is displayed daily ......sorry but huge damage is done.I see parents doing it it all the time.Remember that children take everything to heart because in a perfect world they are new fresh shining unspoiled beings.And if you have an artistic kid like I was the hurt goes deeper as I can remember my parents fighting and knowing what they needed to do but they just made it an ego match most times.Everyone wants to hurt more than the next guy in our crowd ,like a competition sometimes.
So much of this is people not feeling they are seen and unimportant.
As you go through your day realize how much joy you can have by taking a moment to say something nice to the waitress,the cashier,etc.It makes their day but will increase your joy and love twofold.
Love today, right this minute, its all you have literally.

No Harm Meant

Im sure you have noticed I dont allow comments.
In order for me to stay focused on what I "think" to be true I dont wish to be thrown off by negative response.
Certainly I know I would love to hear from some of you.........but some of the world has fallen for the right to judge and be unkind.......and I just dont think its necessary
And wont ad anything to a blog to be grateful for what we have.
Short today as I arose at 4 and worked from 5 a.m. till after 2.
So Im in a hurry to get out on my deck and stare out into the spectacular day here.
Hope yours is going your way.

What is poor?

Sometimes in discussion I realize that what people define as poor is really a bit off balance.Poor means you make it but barely...........there are many more that are destitute......lost everything...no home .....no food  so you have to understand that there is a difference.
As part of my on going fight to speak truth I will tell you exactly what my conditions are.
I made 15,000 last year
I owe but not crazy over the top
I drive an 18 year old car
I never pay full price for anything
I have the worst job of my life(negative people)
My wife and I havent vacationed in many years.
Etc,etc,etc.
But,I have so much.There is a huge push to live like a movie star these days ,in my town there are big foot homes all over.
I find it so silly........look at our big house with 2 people and using up energy like nobodys business!
You must be aware of what you are doing.It is easy to forget when money comes and you feel it is the normal thing to do to go start buying.But worse that because you have been fortunate you have allowed it to make you feel your somebody!I will let you in on a secret........you have always been somebody we all come to this world the same.Dont confuse luck with success..........They are hugely different.I see it all the time.You would do well figure it out now so your not left empty thinking the money would make you "happy".
Wealth,and all its trappings is not what people think.
If you do not appreciate the love and compassion in your own home that is right in front of your face I would advise looking harder.
There is a mist rising up over the trees to the west of my house.........the beauty,....the light.... my love of it,.....success!

Here We Go.....

My life became crazy the last couple of months.Work so exhausting and then moving my mother and hubs to a condo.She is 81 and he is 87 and they are amazing.But of course needed help which I wanted to provide so lots of days were taken up by work then moving.
And then trouble with the blog.........so glad its working!
THEN, poor and contenters I had a 2000 dollar car fix But.......as divine intervention would have it I was informed that I would be receiving a lump sum pension from my old employers as part of a merge deal .So I was so happy to open a check for 10,000 .So when the guy called and said the price it was the first time in forever I was able to say yup! do it.
I ,for the first time in a while actually got to my grateful place after struggling for some time.It was simply not having anything to do after work and walking out on my deck on this incredible high 70s day with great breeze.I stood on my deck and looked across the road at the very tall thin trees that bend and rebound in the wind............and  realized what I know but keep forgetting.
I have everything I need and want in this tiny treasure of a home and an amazing woman to share it with.We are so easily thrown off by work and ego and obligation it starts to try to define you .It is of utmost import we remember what lucky creatures we are to have home, love and compassion.
For those of you that dont.......prayers ,love and peace to you as you struggle through the anguish of what I hope you will find your way out of.Maya Angelou said"Step out on the word"it doesnt have to be religious its saying step out and let the energy of all that is guide you.Faith and Hope to you.

That took a while!

Its a glorious day as I have finally returned and fixed behind the scenes of the blog what kept messing with my posts.
This is to inform any followers that soon this will be back to a more normal pace after the Holiday.Off to the lake and then 2 days off after home so hopefully I can sit down and write ........have missed it tremendously and need to get back.Words soon.......I promise.

My intentions have been slaughtered by too much labor in too little time at the store and it keeps me from being here.I refuse to write when my body and mind are not in sync enough and sure to produce random thoughts of all kinds.
Yesterday was a huge shoe sale ................I cant describe how strange it is to see people going crazy over the purchase off more stuff......I just dont consume.......even when I had money it was very rare.I guess I have to try and leave it alone....but it does sadden me somehow.
I have 2 whole days in a row off!This is such a relief and of course I will begin by being grateful that I was able to be here on this sunny day full of time bursting at the seams to do whatever we feel like.I know I will never retire.......but oh the dreams I have of it.I never understand when people say they would have to work if they won millions.To my thinking I always have wanted to win so I could give away millions and start my own charities.........that would be gods work and there isnt anything more grand.
Really.....if you won 400 million dollars dont you think you could keep 20 mil live very well and then do something that could truly make change in the world.?
We had my nephew Sam here for his 16th birthday last night .......remember being 16 and getting your license.....and how cool it was......until you realized that you had inherited  the  job of driving younger siblings to every lesson or whatever?
Sam is a kind,funny person.I never feel much older until kids show up that were 4 years old ..yesterday!But as I have said before I like getting older and taking while watching the journey.
I always find myself studying  young people and how they handle the the rough crap life throws when they thought it would be so easy.I want to jump inside and guide them to a place where they dont feel the pain of useless judgement of them due to what adults have said that make them feel not only crummy for how they feel about themselves but that somehow they are letting every body down.
There is no generation gap if you fill it with love,knowledge and true sharing.Stop judging those kids and start talking to them about you and your fears and your path and then......be still and listen..really listen.

Do any of you ever get that" your poor so you must be dumb"feeling ?
I get it a lot from work ,family,just people in general.Whats hard for my wife and I is the fact that everything "looks" fine but if they knew the underbelly of poverty level and the bad feelings it brings perhaps they wouldnt be so quick to judge it.
I am amazingly happy over so many things in my life................but poverty puts you in a place and in the mind of the general public that sometimes leaves me speechless.
Im not talking about financial aid............more about those of us who are defined as the working poor.
For me a huge part is living in the richest county in America..........the spending of money here is really wacky when the housewife driving her Hummer pulls up next to me it makes my heart ache for the good that money could do for so many.
I am absolutely aware of how many do give generously and I also have very wealthy family in another part of the country that give and have been so gracious in helping us out........thats "real money".
They have a lovely life and do not put on airs........you dont have to when its the real thing.Plus they put family first and relationships are very important to them.
My town is very judgmental, the absolute hateful garbage that comes out of the mouths of the people I work with(GOSSIP)is very perplexing to me.
After I turned 50 and stopped worrying about what everyone thinks ,my life got so much easier.
My wife told me recently that I was her hero and that Im not afraid of anything......seeing the drive and ambition more than the failures....so incredible of her.
I guess what Im getting at is as old as dirt,but we could become so much more enlightened as time goes on if we would allow all people to have a chance to be in our life...........sometimes people have to go,but all I know is I have friends of "all" kinds and I know it keeps me balanced in my thoughts and prayers.
Today we are going to a flea market that friends have a large booth at(collectible toys,really cool).And Im sure my wife will find something there to make here happy......so easily pleased.........I thank the power of all that is every day just to see her walk in at night.
She has been the one gift in my life I dont know how I got........talk about a rich life.......how can anyone so amazing come to you for free.............but thats the point.....the things that are really important to us we already have,be aware of that as you walk through your day and things will change.

Another cold snowy blustery weekend.......my wife and I are planning a day of rest and no interruptions from anyone......this doesnt always work out as we are very attracted to having company and then at the same time we are private about our time off.
I am so fortunate to have a person in life that I am so connected to that sometimes we dont have to speak.
I am confused by people always on the look out for the next relationship.......especially if they have a history of busted relationships.
All I know is me and Wendi came to be without us looking like crazy.I am so lucky,I see people in long term marriage that should do the work or get out.....its not worth it and worse if you are putting your kids through all the ups and downs of your personal life.
Dr. Phil says fighting in front of your kids changes their lives.Im not a huge fan of his but this one is right on,I had personal experience with this growing up,my parents really disliked each other for a very long time before they divorced.....which added so many hurts,confusion and general unhappy feelings.
Dont get me wrong....I wanted them to do something or divorce.I was never sad about it,it made so much sense for them to be apart....and it took forever!
I love being in my fifties as things have turned around in so many ways emotionally.You come to a point when you realize your parents are people......not just mom and dad....thats hard to separate when you are young and trying to impress them.
I regret so much that my dad passed when I was 35........we were close and I could use his support at this financially scary time,but more often I wish he were coming to dinner say......this afternoon!Its all the things like his grandkids,b-days etc.that he would have gotten so much out of........heartbreaking.
I still have mom.......she is minutes away and Im trying to get her to move closer as she is ill at times and it would be so much handier to have her nearer.
My mom is the biggest fighter for life I have ever seen.......seriously.....she should have died from all this sickness a while ago and yet she pushes on.Down one day and then absolutely buzzing around not being able to sit still.Its hard to get her to rest......but she will do as she wishes....sometimes I lecture her,as she calls it.Im really not lecturing as much as telling the truth......but she will do as she wants,always has, and I love that part of her as I have done the same.Obviously Im a non-conformist ,and thats how Im happiest so here I sit ,a fifty three year old hippy,musician,......dare I say writer,and happy as hell to put what I can down to spur others to love their life regardless of how awful the story...........its your story no matter what.....you cant change it.......so embrace and learn and give what you know to others.......its a miracle when your life touches somebody in that place they dont speak about,and then end up speaking about because of the courage you gave them by simply saying your truth.
Lets all say thankyou that there is today and go from there.

Time flies so ridiculously fast.....I was having password problems and then
 the work,snow and cold has had me whacked out!
I had a ridiculous day recently that had me digging my car out for about 4 hours,with breaks to come in and warm up and change clothes.....I was raging like a maniac and feeling all victimized ,especially after I locked my keys in the car while it was running!
At any rate as I was laying on my stomach in the snow ranting foulness all over the street,I realized that I have always been like this.......if its not right now when I want it then I start stewing that this only happens to me...this is so my life...only this would happen to Stephen........general garbage.
Now I do believe I have had experience in some real ugly in my lifetime.Deaths by suicide,alcohol everywhere,job loss at midlife,......its hard to explain to people with normal sort of backgrounds how all this went down....but thats for another day.
Had I just given up and waited for my neighbor to pull me out when he got home I could have made things so much easier.I must work on patience........to often I get pulled into worry ...........the most useless thing you can do.(especially if you have a dramatic imagination)

We have been weathering the cold quite nicely,and I am a snow lover when it really does snow.....and we have a good 18 inches out there right now.We only have one car so I do have to drop off the car for my wife and then walk a 15 minute walk home........not bad at all......but in subzero temps ......uhm.......lets see oh yeah, it sucks.But Im lucky to live close enough that we can do this...otherwise it would mess with our work schedules.I have been making hearty one dish stuff.So comforting and warming on cold winter nights.
Here is one we loved.
Ingredients;
Diced ham..2.00
diced tomatoes 2 cans 1.20
1/2 a bag of spinach .50
4 or 5 large potatoes (bought in bulk)
Cheese of any kind
Spray a 13 by 9 or flat bottomed baking dish.Drain tomatoes and add them into a mixing bowl with the spinach and ham.Add spices you like...I grow fresh herbs that I use with others......dont forget pepper...I think I have said that I never use salt cooking....people can add it.
Layer tomato mixture,sliced potatoes and cheese as if your making a lasagna,keep layering and top off with cheeses.Cover and cook 30 mins then fifteen more with lid off to brown top.
Really good and really cheap ..feeds a god 4 or 5 people......we eat it for a couple days.
Today is a good day ........my niece and my 2 great nieces are coming for afternoon food and fun.I got a great racetrack for Christmas(no,i dont wanna grow up...Im a toysrus kid)And its always a relax and hang out day when they come.I will talk more about my niece Rachael at another time.She is a person with a soul that survived so much as a kid.......and now raising the family she wanted and so deserves,She is special to us as she stayed with us all the time her first few years.......we love her.
Stay warm,eat food if you have it,say thankyou and know that love exists in the worst of days.

Well everyone ,how did we survive the holidays?
My wife and I did very well moneywise and after adjustments dealt with
the craziness of hosting 3 parties in a week.(the last one I paid for with
huge amounts of bottle returns.Love it!!)
Holidays are so filled with expectation and somehow we have gotten off
track trying to pull off perfect ones.
Were they ever perfect to begin with?Where does this yearning come from?
I suppose its left over child feelings that make us feel the excitement in a more
immature way.Which is good and bad.
At any rate I hope you were blessed to be with family and share a good meal.
Presents are a plus.....but the urge to overspend should be kept at bay if you
really dont want to be completely broke.
I am so lucky to have my family come after Christmas so I shop the day after
and get things for nothing with my 25% off employee discount.My biggest save
was a 16.00 box of Godiva Christmas truffles that I paid 4 bucks four!!
You have to be creative......and everyone is creative when they try......I think a lot of
people equate creativity with talent.
Talents are gifts,its taken me forever to realize my gift for playing and singing has nothing to
do with me.Its a gift and a tremendous amount of fun to be able to sing and I really dont
remember not playing the piano.
But creativity is in everyone........it takes thinking and time to realize a plan,but the more
you use the creative gene it will come easier and faster.Everybody can create.
Now the challenge of subzero temps will reek havoc on us poor folk with heat bills.
We close off our family room with a sheet keep the house at 62 and that room with
a small heater  really cuts our bill.Its very cozy in there at night and we dont suffer at
all.
See?be creative poor and contenters and have the best weekend after the new year
you can.