Getting Back To It

Our summer this year was a difficult one.

Starting with the death of my wifes father and then major horrid construction of a new house not ten feet from us, plus they shot a movie across the street and broke every law there was.....including even informing us they would be shooting.

Im a manners freak.I believe much of our american society has lost the ability to think of others first and proceed in kindness.The amount of people who call themselves Christian is amazing to me.To be a Christian means acting Christ like in your actions.Which I believe takes a lifetime of practice,and evolves with time  to deliver us as whole by the time we reach the end.I study all religions,they all point to the moon.

The biggest news is I secured a job at a lovely assisted living,nursing and independent living.

I have never entered a job with no anxiety or worries,but this one is going way to well and I thought perhaps due to the grueling warehouse ,shoe job....that it is so much easier on my body and pays way better.

The staff is great.......the problem is my boss is new to this kind of thing and doesnt realize what it means to be state inspection ready and there is much to cover.I have already been told that the staff wants me in charge and I have only worked 8 days.....he has left me alone to run things for 3 days already as he has been struggling and working constantly.I recieved a note from a nursing patient my 3rd day that raved about my meatloaf and cherry crisp.I know this seems not such a big deal.....but in food in these places the complaints happen daily(they wait with such anticipation about meals)to have this happen,my goodness,it just doesnt.My whole happiness in this kind of work is based on them being happy and it totally made my day. And money coming is such a blessing.Just before I took the job I worked for a friend(20 bucks an hour!)helping replace manholes in a parking lot......you wanna talk hard work......wow!

But I so love that I have had the chance to do all kinds of things in my lifetime,I have always said success is not based on money....its based on becoming the person you have wanted to be and your story is invaluable to others that may not know you well but take away something.That is teaching...we are all teachers about ourselves and our experience.I have a lifetime friend that is a real teacher and her stories of her students and  having real effect always makes me take pause and admire her.She is also a gifted writer and has been great about my input here.Basically I cant call myself a writer.......but I do have the gift of sharing without hiding any portion of my life and it always shocks people when I tell the truth.

This is why I dont mind aging......no regrets,moving on,learning and most of all loving openly.I have noone I feel I have to impress anymore......a hard lesson for my ego to learn so of course I have moments ,but mostly Im okay and know Im moving the right direction. 

But First A Recipe...

Been a long time since I posted a cheap eats recipe.
Ive been caught up in life drama to the utmost and it has dragged me down to a new level of poverty that is difficult.Tho I had a great interview yesterday.......but you cant expect anything when your a senior citizen by americas standards and are not taken seriously.
There was a time I got a job offered every time I went looking.But not so now.At any rate tightening the belt on finances is crucial.
So here is a great one dish I made recently for under 4 dollars.
One pkg of turkey smoked sausage
I bag of no yolk noodles
onion and green peppers julienned
1 can if petite diced tomatos
Slice the sausage about 1/2 inch diagonals(just looks cooler)
Saute peppers ,onions,and meat(any will do)till they are softened(meat browned)
Add your tomatoes ,well drained and stir to heat
Serve over cooked noodles
I use basil,garlic,blk pepper,actually anything that tastes good.I
dont use salt ever but thats a personal choice.....salt away.
Serve with some grated cheese per serve....very delicious.We dont do a lot of meat per say but when things are on super sale who can resist!
Prayers and meditations to all who are suffering,things can be much worse than my problems and for those of you who have no food,shelter or anyone,try to remember god doesnt make junk.......people create it.You are a child of all there is and tho the path may have enormous hurdles.....never feel like you dont measure up you are an invited guest like everyone else.

Poor and Poorer............

Ever since my father-inlaw passed the summer has fallen into a cavern of sad and depressed that try as I might I cant seem to lift.My poor tuckered out wife has gone to Montana with her family (their treat).I am hoping to get things done around here and have done some already.
I think the hardest thing right now is the financial......which in turn just heaps on more stress and depression on top of the greif.We have money woes that linger and make one feel inept when one cant find a decent job or even an interview(every once in a while I get one!)
I have done the route of  working a crummy job just to have insurance .....what was left over was less than five hundred a month!And of course if I am forced to I will work another crap job.Very hard at the age of 55 to have to find work.........not so much for white collar......but for those of us who have worked blue collar jobs to reach a place in their company where they were all set and have it taken away has been devastating.
What to do?
During the fourth of July I worked for a fireworks booth that paid cash.Nice,until the end when I had misunderstood that they were paying me less per hour because it was my first year!What?......hello folks but it aint brain surgery and my partner and I at our booth were sold out except for afew roman candles.
They paid me more.....but still not what I thought.
The mix of people was so interesting to me.I worked with a lot of middle east people and it was an education for me in so many ways.
I also worked with people as poor and poorer than me.Some were rough exteriored and worn looking on the outside,but some of the struggles they had been through were so sad to me that I thanked my lucky stars each night that even tho I was struggling harder than ever I still have a  wife and a life thats safe.Some of them lived in scary areas and one evening I was treated to seeing gun and knife wounds they had......just for being where they shoudnt be at the time.It was normal to them.
Its odd to me as I grow older what people find to be success in life.I have talked about this before.The area I live in is the new wealthy,(they dont really have money)They do to a degree.....but certainly have to work way to much to keep it all up.Thus you see many fab mini mansions standing blank and alone and seemingly uninhabited as mom and dad are working at their power jobs and their kids are dropped somewhere.

I have had the experience of being around "old" money and the people that keep making it.It has been fun to educate people about the fact that people that truly have money are not hung up about it because they appreciate it and its great convenience.Yes,Mr Poor and Content has hung with the very rich and find them not to be what people fantasize.Its just not what people think.(this does not mean I dont wish to try it!)

I need to stop the worry,its very hard not to ,but the longer I live the more I know there is just right now, and there is nothing else.I can plan and scheme and do what I have to.....but in the end I always know this trail was given to me by something much bigger than me and worrying or mistrusting it may be wrong.
Meditations of love and compassion to all that are struggling be it financial,emotional,or whatever the case may be.We are all the same......why do we try so hard to stand apart......thats a lonely place.

Morning After Mourning After Morning

My father in law died suddenly about a month ago.There was a two week wait for his memorial that was excruciating .He has left a huge hole in our lives.
He was not a man of healthy habits and lived much longer than both siblings and his father ,outlived his dad by a decade at least ..he was 75.And hated it!
He didnt like aging and was befuddled by the fact that he felt so vital  and still up for almost anything.
He had no gray hair......Im 20 years younger and I am a headful of long silvery and dark gray hair.
My wife and whole family are still in shock.......he was a force.
I spoke at the memorial.I called him a "character with character" and spoke of his many kind and compassionate things he did for us ,but mostly the protrayal of a couple who adored each other in many of the same ways my wife and I do.We had many dinners just the 4 of us and it became more intimate and loving all the time.Nice.
I also sang a very slowed down and haunting couple of lines from The Summer Wind.I of course was nervous but somehow it was the first time I ever opened my mouth and wasnt truly afraid.In fact there was an emotional calm Ive never experienced.After much reflection I have decided that it was love.For them for me and all attending.I have written that talent is a gift you cannot take credit for as a person.People think all the time it means something different about them.No,its just a gift,nothing more.The big realization this time was that I had nothing to do with how it turned out...as I was singing there was something that pulled me up and said "you know how to do this ,its a natural gift ,share it,...let the self judgement go!"I also wanted to do it right for my in-laws ,it was very important to me....maybe that figured in,but it came so easily that I have no other choice than to call it holy.
We need to keep remembering there is only right this moment......some of us have had a lifetime of loss so it comes easier.....but we all need to work on this,no question.
Prayers and meditations to my wife and whole family are happening daily.....wont you join me?

Purpose

The world is full of people trying to find their way through this often confusing and cutting thing that is human life.
Having a purpose has become a faddish sort of thing,where in the ego gets filled with "oh yes look I am a concerned citizen of the world".Please know that I am aware that there are others that are so committed to serving others, I see no time for self.That seems strange to me too.
I think changing attitudes and behaviors start with you.I believe our purpose in life is to be kind,love and be compassionate.All of us.And its very easy to begin.
When I started practicing a more grateful life I had to talk to myself about smiling ,saying hello,being more there no matter who Im talking to.I have made friends with a lot of cashiers and gas station workers and more.I am in the midst of possibly taking a good job with a family owned catering biz who are willing to negotiate.I was interviewed while their daughter sat on his lap!SO real!so whats needed here on earth ,start being who you are instead of what your ego says you are.Ego is the robber of all happiness and contentment and is not needed.Its a very ancient word that was really meant for battle and protection.
My sister and I spoke of purpose just yesterday(which inspired this blog,thanks sis!)
She has two daughters I adore and have written about.A friend was questioning her purpose....sorta like what will you do when the kids go.....STOP! IT! RAISING CHILDREN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT  PURPOSE YOU CAN HAVE!!.And she has years before they go....by no means done....and never will be .....parenting is a lifetime.
We concentrate on money and success in working life all the time.But we dont celebrate whats important with all of us,care,kindness,compassion ........all things apparent in my nieces.I have no doubt they will have happier lives because they have been taught how lucky they are to have the kind of home,education and love that lives in their family.......they are all a gift to me in my search for whats real and whats not.When Im with them I feel loved........something that got lost in my upbringing even tho there was no doubt my parents did love me,it got lost in commotion and their own marital problems.I cant stress enough how important it is to not argue or bring your problems to your children........"it changes who they are" Im living proof.And my struggle continues daily to be graceful and loving in all situations.Next time you are denouncing a worker while your in line in your head "Oh this dumb person,whats their problem" Remember you dont know them or anything about them,who are you to judge their situation.When you get to them maybe say "how are you"or"your having a rough day arnt you?".........................
Its your "purpose".

What You Can Suffer

I am in the horrible grip of another ridiculous decision about taking a job or not.This is at least a cook job,but the interview was the oddest I have ever experienced.
A very young quiet chef who has worked 6 months in eldercare.
I am so tired of facilities putting on shows for residents families.I basically ran the interview as I am 30 years older than he is.And he basically just sat there and asked nothing(hadnt checked refs etc.what?)
I have seen this look before......Chefs get positions to glamorize these places and so many have no eldercare experience.
I am not judging the job.....when I lost my great job at a large facility I had been through 5 chefs in 6 years because they expect something altogether different.Its food performance art in a way and that dreaded ego is always involved.
I have seen amazing chefs that want for the elders and care for them in the fashion they should be treated,but it is rare.
When you work in a facility it is of utmost import to become part of their community.....it is their home and quite frankly you are a guest paid to work there with their thousands of dollars a month holding up your check.
Part of me wants to do it,its a brand new facility open only 6 months.......but the bad part is first basically no money after insurance and I have a tendency to take over (and they let me)and then I get no money or credit for it.Because Im not a chef,...nor do I want to be.But I know what elders want to eat more than anything is plain good homestyle food.
I used to take the Chef special down on wknds when a particularly bad chef and man was there for a short time and redo it and sell out...........eventually I got in a heated exchange with him when he discovered it but
god love my managers...they saw the numbers.Again ,its not their fault,they just dont understand not wanting nuts,berries or whatever all over their pork loin,they much prefer super tender loin with basic brown gravy with maybe mushrooms(teeth can be a problem at 90!
I am struggling so much because it really is exactly what I was making before at the stupid shoe job.It really makes me angry that lifetime cooks (and supervisors like me) are treated like first timers in pay.When are we going to have a living wage here again?And does not twenty years of feeding these folks mean anything?
Bad luck,all the time,and everyday lately and I am overwhelmed.
But I am trying to stay in this very moment as opposed to projecting.....but my fire is burning out and I am so exhausted from worrying for the last 6 years.....I have to breathe ,stop ,and be.
So very difficult.

The Care It Takes

I have written a lot about taking care of elders and sick people(my mother forages on ,the last 3 months were even a bit scary for this seasoned veteran)My mother in law has been sick too(lung surgery...good news but a loong recovery.

Ive said before ,pay or not ,it is one of my best gifts....calm and kindness in frightening,life events.I do my crying and rid myself of bad later.
Since I can cook it helps tremendously to prepare meals for women of that generation who worry about dinner even when they cant move!Im certain it is the 60s housewife syndrome that makes them feel responsible for everything!My 82 yr old mother still says "I gotta get home and start dinner"To which I say why dont you go home and have your husband start the car and take you to dinner!Which they do a lot.But what Im saying is if something this simple helps.....great,and it is so easy for me to throw together healthy meals really fast.......its just years of doing it for hundreds, so doing for two is a cinch!
And I have time ,the work search for working class 55 year olds is a continual thorn in my side.I need so little its just so frustrating.
So doing for others takes away that ugh feeling I have about my situation and turns it in to what really matters in the first place.
I have a wonderful life.I have a home,a wife I adore,I can let these things float off when my ego nags and says "your not enough".If we get anything out of this life let it be that by the end we are able to say I did the very best I could and Im content.
Compassion for others is key ,I dont mean volunteering for a cause as much as looking around your close circle and seeing the pain that people are living through or a problem they are struggling with.Its really very easy and its even easier to say "are you okay?..."whats happening?"......"tell me".
Its getting lonelier all the time as media texts and buzzes and twitters and bells and whistles.
There is nothing more powerful than "Im here,I love you".Try it.

The Stir

At times I realize that the words I use and the way I use them can cause a stir that sometimes people see as attack or maybe worse.
I know when I decided to do this that I wanted a place to put all of it out there and pick and poke at it till I am happy with what I have said.
So when a reader is particularly "stirred" or moved by something it is mostly a good feeling.
There are other times that I know I have just begun when I reread and I feel unfinished.I have to accept that most of what I put down is simply "what I think" and the experience here on earth described is just "my" reaction to things.
I have been an open book most of my life.I tell things about myself all the time.It has been a great experience for me.When I share whats happening, sometimes it clicks so well with people that they share and then you end up laughing at the thought that you were frightened to say the obvious.
Here in America people do an extraordinary amount of hiding feelings and whats happening to them because of how it might sound or worse be judged.We judge all the time........how often have I sat saying horrible things at the tv while I hear endless,stories of war and death and scary.And how many times have all of us said "you cant do that" or poked a hole in someones balloon that was just beginning to float in an upward direction?
Its human ,but it is something we can all work on.
Starting to know that what is right for you ,may not be for someone else and it doesnt matter if your two ideas dont  click........it just doesnt.When we judge others ideas arnt we really just seeing another side of ourselves we need to work on?I "think" so.
Of course this doesnt mean there wont be rage,anger.and complications,but ultimately the more I work on my insides and bring the rough out.....the more content I will be.I remember wonderful Ann Lamott saying what prayer was.....part of it being .."rage is prayer......its all prayer."       I love that.

What happened To Kindness

I was watching a rerun of Ali Mcgraw on Super Soul this morning and remembered what she said about kindness.How its used so small and yet it is probably one of the biggest words ever.
My wife and I have actually been faulted for being too kind........is that possible?
I had an experience recently where I helped out a very sad young woman who needed money and food and so I helped with what I could.Her tears actually fell on the cement floor.
Within a few days she started to rage about eveything and everybody she was working with and it reminded me of me and my growing up.
Do I regret the kindness to her?.....No,of course not......but there are plenty that have told me I was a fool to help her.
Everyone has a history and crap in their cupboards to clear out.When I was kind to her I saw the effect so clearly......and the important thing is I know she will remember.
Growing takes time......we cant expect that  because we practice kindness it will open up everything......but it cant hurt anything to start with kindness and go from there.

Theres a Shift............

Shifting in to what I want to practice daily has become very hard as of late.I have a lot of unhappy and discouraging memories that haunt me daily .I have been using  a breathing technique that I learned about from Pema Chodron.I love her and her story........yes,look her up.
I have been what looks like whining to other people who were raised in love ,support and guidance.
My stepsister CKathy(inside joke spelling)was here for a simple lunch and I told her all kinds of stuff that I dont know she really needed to hear.Clearly she was taken aback by what I was saying about family.
I have a very warped view of traditional family.And I need to remember that all people can not understand my ranting because somebody did right by them when the were young.
I have rage that began over 50 years ago and recently I am not happy with myself at all as I was making progress (tiny, but still) and that felt right!
The financial continues to burden ....but I have said before I really do have everything I "need"and I do ...and even more live like royalty compared to the absolute suffering done by good people in this country because it no longer has living wages.
I made 11000 take home last year..........disgusting when I think of the horrendous backbreaking work I did for the last 4 years.
There are some of us that could be fine with very little........if you have grown your buying of things as you made more money then you most likely dont really know what Im saying.But there are a ton of us that think a living wage is much smaller than people think.Due to financial discussions about whether you should buy meat or not and the like.!
But there are the gifts that happen along the way......recently my old job sent me money for overpayments on their ridiculous costing insurance and also get a check from a 401k I have no idea why I started.So thats a nice free bit of cash ......and truly ......all is well.
Today my wife and I are spending a whole day at home together......basically this never happens.She is consumed in work and I am battling thru yet another bad spell in my mothers illness.Parents growing older is a cinch for some.I feel somewhat lonely in all of it and wish I could be stronger as I have had bouts of tears and sadness that become worse when I think of all the yuck that lingers in my memory.
Shifting takes awhile and I know facing pain head on is a useful thing.Crying and laughing are both releases and I do plenty of laughing and always have.Tears are a new thing for me.........I was always a well-up sort but, oh my dont cry hard.Regardless they both feel good in the end .
And now?...to the kitchen to cook for my beloved...........one of my favorite things forever!!And speaking of meat earlier, I have 2 different kinds to choose from..........content,yes.

You Used To Drink

Its funny because as soon as I speak about drinking or my strong opinion on it,people inevidibly say the above phrase.
The truth is noone but my wife knows the real story .
I found a solution to all my anxiety when I began drinking as a teen.I think it is the most common reason of all as most of us have self esteem problems.
As a musician I was given a lifestyle that played into the idea of talent,fear,judgement and stagefright........we must remember I was 22 and was not prepared for anything.I desperately wanted to do it but it was exremely scary at first.
I loved to party afterward and I stayed up all night knocking it back many.many times in my life.I regret none of it as it all leads to where I am now.It also is a great tool to help others with the same problem,there is a lot of uncalled for judgement and just plain ego filled b.s. when I hear an uneducated individual make such cutting ridiculous statements about my private life.I actually had an old friend say she was sooo glad she wasnt married to me,simply because she called when I had just gotten out of emergency after a bender and we hadnt spoken in years.I also had my mother say"Its such a blessing you never had children".(really hurt as we chose not to have kids on my part because of being raised in commotion.For my wife and I to hold in our memories,noone else.)
These things are hard to take,it is a part of the territory but I am done with people thinking they know what happened when they dont even ask.........I have only had one freind or family "ever' ask about my time working on this besides my amazing wife, sister, and freind extraordnaire MartyNot one person has said how are you?What was it like?I guess the world wants to hide in church basements and not say their last name because god forbid someone might wonder about what your up to.
My name is Stephen Watts and Im an alcoholic........no fear here........get in line to ask questions... those that judge simply over the word ......Im sorry for you.Remember a whole lot of us chose to go to rehab........we did not "have" to.This is the most overthought idea"you had to go to rehab"....no..."I wanted to go to rehab."
Okay so just to get it straight
I was sober from 89 till 2000 then 2000till 2008then 2008 til 2015.The drinking in these rough spots of a week or two at a time was full on chronic alcohol addiction alcoholism progresses even when you are sober,its true!........a suprise to me when I took a drink after 10 years and had to have tons more till I was so sick I would go to the hospital to come off it.Why would I continue?If I knew why I would be a billionare from owning rehabs!
Yes,my wife did have to endure my behavior but was ready to learn and grow with me.She is the kindest woman I know,,,,,,,,,but her water is very deep .........everyone has a history.It would be so very ignorant to assume that there has never been trouble on her side.....my goodness,my great marriage did not come out of one person.......32 years and I love her so much it scares me.(seriously)
My last two blogs have been pretty serious and angry to a degree........not what I want here.......but sometimes things have to be made very clear so people can get out of their prejudged notions.I still believe as Depak Chopra says "what other people think of me ,is none of my business"A wonderful freeing statement,but sometimes there is need to get the record straight.
With all this swirling going on where is content?
  "two nights ago I got up to get water and when I came back to bed there was an amazing shadow on the snow created by a huge moon over my oak tree.......awesome....freezing ....I jumped into bed lying with my back touching her back and laying one hand to rest on her hip.Then looking out the window again ......just as happy and content as can be................its always there.....that contentment....keep seeking"
                                                                                                               Stephen Watts
                                                                                                        Alcoholic and Husband

I realize the importance of a program and did not mean to denounce any particular way.All alcoholics are in different stages of recovery and sobriety my thoughts are my own and not meant to criticize anyone who is finding there way out any way they can.

Take Cover Someones Drinking

I have taken a long time to discuss alcohol and the severe and utter chaos it has caused from the age of about ten til now and Im still fighting.(mostly effects not my own personal battle)

I originally quit 26 years ago .......I have had minor slips as they call them......but I have been sober for the better part of 26 years

But Im not going to discuss that part today.

The drinking began in my chidhood home at about 10 years old.It was odd because on occasion my father would come home drunk and things were bound to get really ugly.

By that time my folks disliked each other heartily........so usually there would be a picking and circling kind of nasty and then the screaming would start full tilt!

When I think about it now I am absolutely astounded that 2 people of such good intention could allow such horror...................it happens all the time to so many and we ignore it and say its okay by our silence.

Drunks have a way of controling the room even though they themselves are not in control.Husbands,wifes and children get that sick, awful ,embarassing,I dont know what to do feeling.

                                           Children should not be around drinking at all at any time .Ive come to this conclusion after the watching of my nieces (sisters children)and the beauty of living and being raised in a sober house as opposed to my sister and I plus many kids in extended family that are "given the gift" by drunken adult relatives(its bad).

On top of that,as an adult I have become increasingly angry (and should be)with my freinds and family who have fallen head first into their ever present drink.I have always been unafraid to do what I have to, to have some kind of calm run through me.So if an event comes up where I know I dont belong I just simply dont go.But kids have no choice ,they get to go wherever mom and dad decide to and watch everything they do and have the lifelong impression of fear and anxiety take up valueable space in an unblemished brain.

Alcohol is our biggest drug problem.......why do we keep accepting it like its a small mistake?It clearly has killed families in so many ways....the list of utter crap it produces is to long to put down.

I am asking grown up people to look at what they are doing......more so the sober people in a drunken partner relationship.......remove children and family from your toxic personal issues with your partner and do every single thing there is to keep children from seeing the fear and roadblocks it sets up.

I realize this is a lot to ask as people are in the behavior without knowing it............yes,it puts us in a very vulnerable place when we decide to do something that will cause a stir in the family......but every simmering pan in lfe has to be stirred lest it scorches the pan for life.Hurry........its burning.

The Senior

This morning I was up at 4 a.m. to start the car and drive it around before my wife needs it for work later...the weather has been freezing and when you have such an old vehicle precautions must be taken so you dont have problems when you need to get somewhere.Ah....the lifestyles of the rich and famous!
While I was out driving I decided to take a coffee to my freind Paula at my old job.I used to bring coffee for coworkers often(even though I dont drink it,I drank so much of it in my teens at my my friend Joes house,whose mother made fresh cookies every day.........They were a really nice family.)
When I pulled up to get the coffee the girl said "Oh its free for seniors today!"
What happened ?....Did I graduate to the senior class without knowing?
Not really.I have said before that I dont mind aging.........but it was strange to have this young person automatically assume my age.Yes!she was spot on ..almost...I will be 55 in a matter of months.The funny part was I was all bundled up no gray hair showing,scarf.hat............and so this meant she looked at my face and thought Senior!!....Hilarious!(I think aging bothering you means regret...not good)
I am sooo guilty of thinking Im still really young..........I used to get upset because the kids I was the boss of at my old job would be distant sometimes and I didnt understand till my wife said"I dont think its so strange..  I mean you could be their DAD!"She was so right.
I do have to remember this though when Im looking for work.Im not out to start a new career just need some cash so I can write,hang and enjoy my wife,house,........oh man if I could retire!!
But the biggest thing bubbling up as it does sometimes........I need to sing and play music again.
It has always been hard for me to perform ,I always felt there were expectations(and there are to a degree)
But I mostly felt that I was sharing something personal that I was given .So when people said anything bad(which was almost never),it kept me awake.Dont forget I was a mere 22 when I began and looking back I was a small hit in a small city and that was a blast for 10 years.
So ,I dont know whats next and that feels a whole lot better than the hell of my shoe stock job.So just keep your eye out for Stephen Watts the Singing Senior(according to Mcdonalds)
Every day is different,......stepping out is scary ,fun,.....Im so glad I did.

Billy and Tub

I have written about my friend Billy from childhood quite often .He is my oldest friend as we have known each other for 50 years at least.Met at 3 and did everything together.He went to catholic school but we lived about a 1/4 mile from each other.We did go to kindergarten together before Jesus split us up!
But the fun we had as kids at his farmlike home (with a HUGE pool, Ive never seen a pool that big since ) it was an absolute dream come true for boys who did everything!!!
I speak of him today as his mother is 94 and in the hospital showing bad signs of dementia and the like.He is here in my state about 4 hours away but Im not sure I will see him as weather,mom,and grownup scary stuff gets in the way.
I always marvel at how strong the friendship feels ,when I havent seen him in  20 years.But I have said this before.When you grow up like we did together you "so" know where they are coming from because we literally lived at each others houses.(mostly his place though.....way more fun)
I guess I write about him today as he is in crisis with his mom and my work with elders could really be of use to him I think.But its far and crummy roads but if he calls on me ....I will go.Days and weather always change.
So many memories ...........the funny part is we never see each other due to distance and money on my part (that part of being poor really ticks me off.Cant be where I want when I want.)
This reminds me of a few years ago my freind Tubby(nicname...hes really skinny)became dangerously ill and I was so frustrated not being able to get to him.This is anoher friend who I grew up with in teen years....we were quite a pair in High School he was valedectorian and I was just trying to get out!!I will never forget my government teachers face when I told him I was going to florida with Pat Twomey(Tub)!!He was like "you guys are friends?"Tub had a love of religion and became an episcopal minister and I had a love of music and became a musician.....but most of all I had hair about to my waist and tub was a shaven religious t-shirt wearin guy......the visual was priceless when we were traveling.
Both these guys are always on my mind ......I would love to see them whenever I could..........it is a real sore spot with me.......dont even have a car I trust to travel longer distances.
Regardless of the decades passing and familys growing we find the way to be in touch........old friends are by far a great gift if you are lucky enogh to have them.....today I honor friendship and longlasting friendships you can count on to brighten your life in memory and the fact we are all still here to connect.

Receiving

Many times I speak about giving in any way I can,to those who are suffering from all kinds of life issues.Sometimes its just talking.....sometimes a little cash.....food....whats needed.
As I  wrote before ,I left my job on Christmas Eve.I will be available for call ins but it became hugely physical for no money.
At any rate what I havent written about is receiving gifts and help.
I have to list what we received to get a handle on it.....its so much.
People gave me scratchoff tickets that totaled 255 dollars in winnings
I also got money from people at work,..lovely (saying goodbye is always hard some were real freinds)
We got cash gifts from family who are too generous
A microwave!!(from my sis)
From dear freinds a 50 inch flat screen (what??)and a futon and area rug!!
Cash gifts and ticket wins totalling over 600 dollars!(my word!!)
What does one do with all this love and generosity?
Its so wonderful.....and being a person who is always skeptical about his person it is an absolute honor to be treated this way.
Some may think it hard to accept all this. But long ago when I played piano for a living and would be astounded by tips I would make ,my mentor Mary Clancy(pianist extraordinare)said "Dont feel badly,..they dont know any other way ...."And from then on I started to realize people do what they do because they care for you and "dont"know any other way.
Over Christmas my fabulous friend Marty(who gave us the flat screen)said"Stop thinking its over the top,dont you know its just you and your" bride"(she always calls Wendi that)and how great you are to all ,I just HAVE to do these things.
I am going to begin to accept the fact that what goes around ,comes around and its okay for us to accept things given in great compassion and love.It will take practice .......but today I am accepting that people do love me and I must remember that.